Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
