Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
