I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
