I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
