I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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