I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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