So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
