I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
