whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
