Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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