hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
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how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
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Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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