How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
