so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
