I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
