It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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