you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i believe in u and ur pee
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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