you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
