OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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