News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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