i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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