I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
