Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
All the doctor said was why
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
