Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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