i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it glows. i had to have it.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
