Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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