Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
