If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
