i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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