please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
