I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
