that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
