I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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