Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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