The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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