just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
