His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
