I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
