i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
