You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
