Kiss
Puke
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
