He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
