90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
