I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
