Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Your penis caused this!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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