i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
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Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
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Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.