Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
