I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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