I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
