i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
