I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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