1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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