Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
