it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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