I think i sorta joined a cult last night
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
