bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
