we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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