Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Well I just put wine in my tea
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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