remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
