Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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